EPISODE GUIDE
0- Audition Show Bilko and the other characters are introduced in this pilot show. Sleeve notes accompanying one UK video release mention that a pilot show was filmed the previous year but never transmitted. 1- New Recruits Cleaned out by the other sergeants, Bilko needs to raise some money for Saturday's big poker game - could some new recruits provide the solution... 2- Empty Store When Bilko mysteriously rents an empty store in Roseville, nobody knows why - but everyone wants a piece of the action! 4- WAC Bilko battles with Sgt. Hogan for a new posting on the Fort - and the personal Jeep that goes with the job. 5- The Horse Bilko and the platoon buy an ailing racehorse which they hope to transform into a winner - looking after it presents a few problems... 6- A.W.O.L. A soldier goes AWOL - it is Bilko's task to bring him back from Chicago before his absence is noticed. 7- Boxer Bilko discovers that Pvt. Dillingham is a former champion boxer. However, Dillingham now refuses to fight - not that this will stop Ernie from trying to cash in. 8- The Hoodlum Bilko's plan for the platoon to smarten up and win the 'Soldier of the month award' are threatened by one particularly disruptive recruit. Bilko sets out to get the soldier out of the army - by any means necessary. 9- Mardi Gras Doberman is humiliated by Joy Landers, the noted Roseville socialite. Nobody treats one of Ernie's boys like that and gets away with it... 10- Eating Contest Pvt. Honnergan (Fred Gwynne) is transferred to the platoon. A former army eating champion better known as 'The Stomach', Bilko sees in him a chance to end his losing streak. 11- The Centennial Lieutenant Parker threatens to introduce the men to more cultured activities than gambling - Bilko uses a pageant marking Fort Baxter's centennial to make Parker sees the error of his ways. 12- Bivouac As the annual camp maneuvers approach, Bilko has to think about which tropical diseases he will 'contract' this year to ensure his non-participation. Colonel Hall has other ideas however... 13- Singing Contest Fort Baxter is in the grip of a big chill - can the Army singing contest (and its 1st prize trip to Florida) provide the platoon with a welcome break - or is the platoon so bad at singing that it just has to lose... 14- The Twitch The Colonel orders lectures on Beethoven for the men as a punishment for gambling - Captain Whitney's wife is to give the talks. Unfortunately for the Colonel , Mrs. Whitney is better known throughout the service as 'The Twitch'.... 15- Reunion At a reunion with his wartime buddies, Bilko begins to feel like the underachiever of the group. Then he is offered a job in New York- can a US Army Master Sergeant make his way in big business? 16- Rich Kid Can Pvt. Thompson - sole heir to a multi-million dollar fortune- possibly be of any help to Bilko as he tries to be purchase one of Roseville's finest restaurants... 17- Hollywood A Hollywood production company is planning a movie recreating the famous Battle For Kabuchi Island. The Pentagon decides to send Sgt. Bilko to act as a technical advisor. 18- Investigation A Congressional committee visits Fort Baxter to investigate reports of Army waste. However when Bilko gives the Congressmen a guided tour they discover the soldiers living in squalor. 19- Kids In Trailer Bilko offers to baby-sit while one of his men enjoys a three-day furlough. However a crisis develops when he has to change a nappy and all of the Army resources at Bilko's disposal have to come into play. 20- Revolutionary War Inspired by the diary of his great-great uncle Joshua Bilko, Ernie decides to apply for officer training. Closer inspection of Joshua Bilko's exploits reveal him to be not much of a role model after all. 21- Transfer After being severely reprimanded by the Colonel, Bilko gets himself transferred to another base - one full of amazingly gullible soldiers. Meanwhile, Bilko's replacement at Fort Baxter rules the men with an iron rod. You would imagine that both Colonel Hall and Bilko would be overjoyed... 22- The Rest Cure Fort Baxter is struck by a heatwave and Bilko's attempts to raise money for a vacation flop. The only solution appears to be an Army rest centre in the cool Rockies - the only catch being that the men will have to be certified as mad to get transferred there. 23- Dinner At Sowici's Bilko is convinced that Sgt. Hogan is trying to trap him into marriage. By taking Joan to dinner at the Sowicis', whose marriage is somewhat less than happy, he hopes to make her see the error of her ways. 24- Army Memoirs The other sergeants get Bilko busted down to the rank of Private by revealing some of his misdemeanors to the Colonel. But they haven't counted on Bilko beating them at their own game by writing his memoirs and dishing the dirt on them ...and the Colonel. 25- Miss America When Bilko sees a picture of Pvt. Honnegar's beautiful 'sweetheart' he decides to enter her in a beauty contest. Naturally things do not turn out quite as Bilko plans. 26- The Court-Martial Fort Baxter is being used to try out a streamlined mass induction program - unfortunately Capt. Baxter's new method is so efficient that a chimpanzee is enrolled into the service as Pvt. Harry Speakup! 27- Furlough In New York Bilko and Joan want to get away from each other for a little rest - little knowing that they are both heading to New York... 28- The Big Uranium Strike Bilko is convinced that there is Uranium under Fort Baxter - the only catch is that Doberman's Geiger counter indicates that the largest deposits are under Colonel Hall's house! 29- Bilko And The Beast The Colonel sends in Sgt. Quentin B. Benson, otherwise known as 'The Beast', to sort out Sgt. Bilko once and for all. Bilko's usual schemes fail to get the better of The Beast, so he is has to resort to psychological warfare. 30- The Physical Check-up All Sergeants are forced to have medical examinations - Bilko thinks the Colonel is trying to get him discharged from the Army. So Ernie embarks on a crash course of exercises... 31- Recruiting Sergeant All the men are restricted to base while the Colonel is away on a recruiting drive. Ernie gets a sure-fire tip on a horse and must get off the base to place his bet - the only solution is to accompany the Colonel on his trip. 32- Hair Conscious of his lack of hair when Joan falls for a 'wavy-haired' Corporal, Bilko turns to Tony the Barber for help. The latest in a long line of experimental hair-restorers suddenly produces amazing results! 33- The Con Men On the way to the bank to deposit a sudden windfall of $500, Doberman meets some card sharks. Naturally Bilko has to come to Doberman's rescue once more. 34- War Games When Bilko's promise to be best man at a friend's wedding coincides with Army war games, he has to sneak away from the mock battle. Unfortunately his troops think he is leading then to 'the enemy'. 35- Bilko In Wall Street Bilko visits an old Army buddy who he thinks is now a top banker in New York - and is dismayed to find that he is a lowly teller on $42 a week. Ernie sets out to rapidly advance his friend's career 36- Platoon In The Movies The motor pool are chosen to make an army training film - the starring role going to Doberman, who suffers terrible stage fright. Bilko takes the chance provided by a break in filming to produce his own, more glamorous version of the film. 37- It's For The Birds Bilko enters Pvt. Honnergar in the '$64000 Question' TV show. Honnergar is peforming brilliantly on his specialized subject of birds, until he is struck by a case of amnesia... 38- Bilko Goes To College Bilko tries to get even with a bookie by placing a 1000-1 bet on Schmill College football team beating the champions from NotreDame. Schmill have a terrible record, but the word on the streets is that this year's team is something special... 39- The Girl From Italy Bilko has to help out Rocco's brother Angie - the plain Italian girl he once promised to marry shows up in New York, to his dismay. Bilko thinks he can fix the situation by glamorizing her, but he does too good a job! 40- The Face On The Recruiting Poster Bilko sees star potential in a new recruit and plans for him a career in movies. The first step is to get his face onto an army recruiting poster, but somehow Doberman ends up being selected for the poster! 41- Bilko's War Against Culture The men are lured away from gambling by the art and dance classes run by two beautiful WAC's from Special Services. Bilko has to find a way to subtly incorporate gambling into these more genteel activities. 42- The Song Of The Motor Pool Bilko is told that he needs new material to be eligible for an army musical contest, and he thinks he has found it when Paparelli starts singing a song in the showers. However, Paperelli will only sing in the showers so an on-location recording has to be made... 43- Bilko's Engagement A mix-up at a jewelry shop leads to Ernie giving Joan Hogan an engagement ring. Before he can explain the mistake, news of their 'forthcoming marriage' is all around the post (and beyond). 44- A Mess Sergeant Can't Win Just about to leave the army, taking with him $400, Rupert Ritzik avoids saying good-bye to Bilko for fear of losing his savings. Hurt by this, Bilko embarks on a series of seemingly ridiculous bets with Ritzik just show that he doesn't always end up with Rupert's hard- earned money... 45- Doberman's Sister Bilko arranges dates for the platoon with some of the men's sisters, but who will get paired off with Diane Doberman? Zimmerman takes some convincing... 46- Where There's A Will An old buddy of Bilko's, Greg Chickering, is cut out of a will and left with just a parrot and $1. Bilko convinces Chickering's now wealthy cousins of the existence of a lost treasure map. Apparently the parrot holds a vital clue... 47- Bilko's Tax Trouble Bilko is accidentally selected for an audit by the IRS. Fearing that they have found out about his numerous schemes, he protests that they are victimizing worthy charity work. But too much protesting arouses the suspicion of the IRS. 48- Mink Incorporated Having once again gambled away the Platoon Welfare Fund, Bilko sees a small newspaper advert to get-rich-quick by breeding mink. $300 and one pair of mink later, things are not going as quickly as promised. 49- Sergeant Bilko Presents Ed Sullivan Talent scouts for the Ed Sullivan show don't find any at Fort Baxter! But Ed Sullivan insists that a GI from the Mid-West is used for a minor role in a planned 'Tribute to the Army'. Bilko gets chosen for the show, but he gets the wrong idea about the size of his role... 50- Bilko Gets Some Sleep Troubled by his guilty conscience, Bilko begins to suffer from insomnia. Following the advice of the fort psychiatrist, Capt. Adams, Bilko gives up gambling and is cured. Unfortunately the news of an apparently reformed Bilko does nothing for the mental health of the other men! 51- The Blue Blood Of The Bilkos Bilko is infuriated when a colleague is not invited to his own son's wedding due to the snobbery of the bride's family. Ernie travels to Philadelphia, where a little research reveals that the bride's family are not as blue-blooded as they seem. 52- Love That Guardhouse Amazingly, Sgt. Ritzik manages to win $1500 in Las Vegas. On his return, Emma Ritzik persuades Colonel Hall to lock Rupert in the guardhouse to protect him from Bilko. To what lengths will Bilko go to get to Ritzik and the $1500? 53- Sergeant Bilko Presents Bing Crosby To recoup yet another gambling loss, Bilko stages an appearance at Fort Baxter by Bing Crosby. Ticket sales are brisk, the only problem is getting Bing to appear...not a problem if you have a lookalike available! 54- Bilko Goes To Monte Carlo Armed with a foolproof system for beating the roulette wheel and a bankroll put up by the entire camp, Bilko's trip to Las Vegas is thwarted when the Colonel declares Nevada off- limits to all soldiers. The system is too good to waste, so Ernie enlists the help of the airforce and heads towards a slightly more exotic location... 55- Bilko Enters Politics The mayor of Roseville does not appove of Bilko's proposed new servicemen's center. If a soldier can get elected mayor, then what can stop Ernie's plans - especially when the GI candidate is Duane Doberman? 56- Bilko's Television Idea The comedian Buddy Bickford is losing his popular appeal. So the TV network sends two writers to Fort Baxter to do background research for a sitcom based on life in an army camp. Bilko is more interested in selling them his idea for a show called 'Andrew Armstrong - Tree Surgeon'. 57- The Son Of Bilko Pvt. Perkins is transferred to Fort Baxter and placed under Bilko's supervision. Perkins has already been thrown out of fourteen other camps - but surely he'll be no problem for Ernie? 58- Rock'n'Roll Rookie When singing sensation Elvin Pelvin is drafted, the army can't cope with his screaming fans. The solution? Transfer him to a quiet, out-of-the-way posting. Perhaps somewhere in the Mid-West, where he will attract less attention and be safe from the less scrupulous soldier who might try to exploit his fame and fortune... 59- Bilko's Black Magic After having been marooned on a Pacific island since 1942, Pvt. Mendelsohn is transferred to the platoon together with over $7000 of back-pay. Before Bilko can take this money into safe-keeping, Mendelsohn loses everything in a card game with Sgts. Grover and Ritzik! 60- Bilko Goes South Once again Fort Baxter is suffering from sub-zero temperatures. And once again an army singing contest, with its prize of a trip to Florida, seems to offer the motor pool an escape route - but is a singing contest all that they have signed up for? 61- Bilko Goes Around The World Bilko persuades Mike Todd to run a competition to promote his film 'Around The World In 80 Days' - offering a prize of $25000 to the first person to go around the world in 80 hours. Ernie thinks that by pulling a few airforce contacts he can collect... 62- The Mess Hall Mess When Bilko tries out a French restaurant in Roseville he thinks he has discovered a dish which, with the right marketing, will win him the contest to find the best new American dish. First he must learn its recipe - the chef, Marcel, is somewhat reluctant to share it with him! 63- The Secret Life Of Sergeant Bilko In search of evidence to back up claims that the army is leaking top secrets, an investigative reporter visits Fort Baxter. Bilko soon spots him and proceeds to sell him an number of not-so-important secrets... 64- Radio Station B.I.L.K.O. When Roseville's local radio station closes down, Bilko sees a gap to be filled with the aid of some radio equipment from the signal corps. Now all he needs is some quality programming to attract the sponsors... 65- Bilko, The Marriage Broker The motor pool gets a new commanding officer - Lieutenant Wallace - who has far too much enthusiasm for Bilko's liking. Perhaps if Ernie can get him married off, Wallace might ease up on the men. 66- Bilko Acres When rumors spread that Fort Baxter is to be closed down, Bilko thinks this is the Pentagon's way of driving down land prices so that they can actually expand the base. Based on this excellent logic, he purchases 25 acres of adjacent swamp land using the Platoon Welfare Fund! 67- The Big Scandal Bilko thinks he can use hypnotism as part of his money making schemes. First he needs to practice his technique - by trying to make Ritzik fall in love with Mrs. Hall. However, this appears to be a complete failure... 68- Bilko's Perfect Day For the first time in his life, absolutely everything is going right for Sgt. Bilko - it is his lucky day. Unfortunately, he only realizes this as the day is drawing to a close... 69- The Colonel Breaks Par Bilko schemes are put in jeopardy when Colonel Hall decides to forego his annual two week vacation. Ernie plans to get him out of the way by getting him to enter the annual officers' golf tournament. The Colonel is reluctant - he is not exactly proud of his golfing skills (and rightly so) - but Bilko's old army buddy Sam Snead might come to the rescue... 70- Show Segments Together with Ed Sullivan, several of the show's cast gather to watch some clips edited out from previous shows due to time limitations. 71- His Highness, Doberman Doberman has been dating the daughter of a Roseville millionaire, but when her mother finds out he is just a soldier, Duane is banished from their house. Bilko plans their comeuppance - little do they realize that they are insulting Crown Prince Doberman. Little does Doberman realize... 72- Bilko's Merry Widow Bilko and the men present a satire on the Lehár operetta The Merry Widow. This episode was filmed during the second season. 73- Bilko's Boy's Town Colonel Hall confines Bilko to the base while the army conducts manouvres in the Nevada desert. Unable to visit Las Vegas, Bilko sets up a boys' camp at Fort Baxter in order to part the local youth from their money. 74- Hillbilly Whiz New recruit Hank Lumpkin (Dick Van Dyke) shows great skill when throwing rocks at targets. Bilko wonders if he can do the same with baseballs....and would the New York Yankees be interested? 75- Bilko's Valentine When Bilko ignores her on Valentine's Day, Joan Hogan quits the army and returns to her hometown of Sumter, South Carolina. Bilko persuades the Colonel to let him organise a recruiting drive in ..... Sumter. 76- The Big Man Hunt A former GI has recently discovered a diamond mine in Africa. Now he's back in the US looking to reward the soldier who saved his life during World War II. He won't reveal the name of the lucky soldier for fear of imposters. Who could it be? 77- Bilko's Double Life While visiting New York, Ernie is mistaken for millionaire Herbert Penfield and starts to enjoy a millionaire lifestyle. By coincidence, Penfield is visiting relatives in Roseville - will he appreciate being mistaken for Bilko? 78- Sergeant Bilko Presents When a new recruit shows a talent for playwriting, Bilko starts to formulate plans to produce a Broadway musical. Unable to find sufficient money to finance his plans, Ernie persuades the army to organise a playwriting contest... 79- Bilko Talks In His Sleep To finance an evening out with a Roseville waitress, Bilko organises a contest to guess the number of beans in a jar. For some reason his rivals, Sgts. Grover and Ritzik, seem very confident about winning the contest... 80- Cherokee Ernie In order to legally represent the family of Cpl. Charlie Whiteagle, Ernie is made a member of the tribe - 'Bald Eagle'! He then notices that a flaw in an old treaty appears to have significant consequences for the city of Tulsa... 81- Bilko Buys A Club Bilko is having trouble making the down payment on some land he needs to start a night club. Perhaps an investment banker visiting the camp for National Guard manouvres might be able to help... 82- Lieutenant Bilko Bilko's period of enlistment is about to end, and he has no plans to re-enlist. Then the Pentagon informs him that, due to a temporary wartime commision which was never cancelled, he is technically still Lieutenant Bilko! 83- Bilko At Bay On the way to New York, Bilko stops at Doberman's home to take advantage of a a free meal. Unfortunately, some bank robbers on the run also choose to visit the Doberman household. 84- Bilko F.O.B. Detroit Bilko and the Motor Pool have to collect some new army trucks from Detroit. Ernie tries to extend his stay by trying to sell motor magnate Roger Bellman a do-it-yourself army basic training kit already rejected (several times) by the Pentagon. 85- Bilko And The Flying Saucers In order to visit Washington for a hot date, Bilko concocts reports of UFO's - which he insists he must personally report to the Pentagon. However, Colonel Hall finds the reports all too convincing... 86- Bilko And The Colonel's Secretary Bilko thinks that by handpicking the Colonel's new secretary he will be able to keep off the Colonel's duty rosters. But he doesn't count on the chosen WAC resenting Bilko dictating her career... 87- Doberman The Crooner The mystery man behind a wonderful singing voice, which Bilko discovers on a home- made record, turns out to be Duane Doberman. In planning Duane's new singing career Ernie neglects the fact that, depending on his health, the quality of Doberman's singing varies dramatically! 88- Bilko Presents Kay Kendall 89- Bilko's Cousin When Bilko's cousin Swifty (Dick Van Dyke, again) arrives at Fort Baxter, the Colonel fears the trouble that having two Bilkos around will lead to. Meanwhile, Ernie worries that Swifty might prove something of an embarrassment to his reputation. 90- Bilko's Pigeons When the Pentagon orders that Fort Baxter abandon its messenger pigeon communications back-up system, Ernie is dismayed at the effect it will have on his pigeon racing competitions. Still, there may be a few dollars to be made in selling the birds... 91- Cyrano De Bilko Bilko helps one of his men get a date with the girl of his dreams, but then gets supicious about the girl's motives. Determined to prove these doubts, he sets about arranging his own date with her, but not entirely successfully... 92- The Colonel's Reunion The Colonel finally manages to eradicate all gambling from Fort Baxter. Determined that this situation will not last, Bilko arranges a class reunion for Colonel Hall - in Chicago. 93- Bilko Saves Ritzik's Marriage On the evening of his 15th wedding anniversary, Sgt. Ritzik gets sidetracked into an all- night card game with Bilko. When Emma Ritzik then leaves home, Ernie has to resort to desperate measures to repair the Ritziks' marriage... 94- Bilko, The Art Lover Bilko is in New York, enjoying the luxurious hospitality provided by the father of his former GI buddy Carlisle Thompson (Alan Alda). Following an argument with his father, concerning his artistic aspirations, Carlisle moves out of the family home into extremely sparse accommodation in Greenwich Village - much to Bilko's discomfort! 95- Bilko, The Genius Bilko is tranferred, by mistake, to an army camp for geniuses. He takes the opportunity to get the army's top brains to apply their talents to some important problems, such as the mathematics of gambling... 96- Bilko, Male Model When a photograph of Bilko, out on the town with a beautiful woman, appears in a national magazine, thousands of letters are sent to the magazine enquiring about the couple in the photo. This leads an advertising agency to conclude that Ernie has a face that the average man identifies with - a face with commercial value? 97- The Colonel's Inheritance When Colonel Hall inherits $5000, he entrusts Bilko with the job of safely depositing the money at the bank. Not a very wise decision you might think... 98- Bilko's Honeymoon Pvt. Paperelli wins an all-expenses trip to Miami, which Bilko naturally covets. Given that the prize is for 2 people, this shouldn't be too much of a problem for Paperelli, except that the prize is meant for a newly-wed couple... 99- Bilko's Chinese Restaurant The father of new recruit Wong Lee runs a successful chain of restaurants. This inspires Ernie to start his own Chinese restaurant - teaching Rupert Ritzik the secrets of Chinese cuisine shouldn't be much of a problem... 100- Operation Love Angry at their boyfriends spending all their free time gambling with Bilko, the WAC's of Fort Baxter get transfers to other bases. To placate his furious colleagues, Ernie has to come up with a plan to attact new WAC's. 101- Bilko's TV Pilot When a young cowboy joins the platoon, Bilko thinks he can sell the idea of a Western TV show featuring the cowboy. The TV company is definitely interested in his idea - but they have different ideas about who should play the lead role... 102- Bilko Retires From Gambling Colonel Hall plans to clean up Fort Baxter by having a card-shark infiltrate the base posing as a raw recruit. When Bilko start losing to Ritzik in the subsequent fixed card games, he thinks he has lost all his gambling skills! 103- Bilko's Vacation Bilko's plan to get a free vacation involves convincing the rest of the men, and Colonel Hall, that they are all going on the trip. When it turns out that Bilko has not been entirely truthful, they set out for revenge. 104- Bilko's Insurance Company When one of the men is nearly involved in an automobile accident, Bilko is inspired to set up his own insurance business especially for GI's. Business is going well, so Ernie starts to expand the ranges of risks which he is prepared to cover ... 105- Bilko's Prize Poodle When a poodle shows affection towards Pvt. Doberman, Bilko decides to enter it in a national dog show. Inspired by the $10000 first prize, the whole base helps with the preparations. 106- Bilko's School Days On the verge of a transfer, Bilko reconsiders his decision when he learns that Fort Baxter is to be the site of the new army training school. Just think of all those new recruits just begging to be parted from their money... 107- Joan's Big Romance When Joan Hogan is photographed, by chance, with a wealthy playboy, the picture is published in a national magazine. Seeing this, Bilko's jealousy is aroused and he sets out to win her back. 108- Papa Bilko When Bilko was in France during World War II he befriended a poor French family, and gained the nickname 'Papa'. When the daughter of the family - now grown up - visits Bilko, he has two big problems - explaining why she is calling him 'Papa' and protecting her from the attentions of the other soldiers... 109- Gold Fever Bilko finds the map to a secret gold mine near Grove City, California, and then discovers that abandoned Camp Fremont, which lies over the mine, is to be demolished to make way for a new highway. To protect 'his' gold, Ernie must get the army to re-open the base, even if it means getting all of Fort Baxter transferred there... 110- Bilko's Vampire Sgt. Ritzik is spending all his time watching horror films when Bilko thinks he should be playing cards. In an attempt to remedy the situation, Bilko convinces Ritzik that the films are turning him into a vampire - and makes a very good job of it! 111- Bilko's De Luxe Tours Bilko tries to cash in on the poor rail service between Grove City and San Francisco by starting his own bus service. Having obtained a school bus for $25, Ernie finds business is going well - too well for the train company's liking... 112- Bilko The Potato Sack King Bilko is lured away from the army by a $20000 a year job selling potato sacks. When a rival company launches a new plastic sack, sales of traditional hemp sacks slump. Bilko's boss is left with a huge amount of worthless stock - perhaps the army would be interested in purchasing some new uniforms... 113- Bilko Vs. Covington Sgt. J. J. Covington is beating Bilko at his own game with his schemes and scams. Having failed to get Covington tranferred, and then being tricked into buying 30000 tons of worthless volcanic ash, is it time for Bilko to agree to a truce? 114- Bilko Joins The Navy While in San Diego, Bilko, Paperelli and Zimmerman manage to get in on a huge Navy crap game by disguising themselves as sailors. But when the game is raided, they find themselves aboard an aircraft carrier bound for a 6 month tour of Alaskan waters! 115- Bilko's Big Woman Hunt When Bilko is trapped in a hotel elevator, he is comforted by a pretty teacher. Smitten by her, Ernie is unable to get her name or telephone number before she disappears. Perhaps a police artist's impression will help track her down... 116- The Bilkos And The Crosbys Bilko fantasizes on what life would be like if he, rather than Bing, were head of the Crosby household. 117- Bilko's Allergy Bilko develops an aversion to playing cards, apparently brought on by guilt over his manipulation of Colonel Hall. He tries to cure himself by making amends to the Colonel with a special testimonial dinner. However, Colonel Hall begins to worry about what Bilko's true intentions might be... 118- Bilko And The Chaplain When Bilko visits San Francisco, Colonel Hall sends the Chaplain along to keep an eye on him. When he manages to spoil Bilko's date, he promises to make amends, in return for Ernie doing him a favour. But is it wise for the Padre to be making deals with soldiers, especially one like Bilko? 119- Bilko Presents The McGuire Sisters Bilko stages a concert at Camp Fremont, and ticket sales are brisk. But will he be presenting the McGuire Sisters? And who is that guy who looks like Mickey Rooney? 120- Bilko's Secret Mission Bilko and Ritzik are selected for a secret mission in Nevada, only 40 miles from Las Vegas. They manage to slip away, and head for the bright lights, armed with Ritzik's sure-fire, astrological roulette formula... 121- Bilko's Giveaway Aided by a child genius, Bilko wins several prizes on a TV quiz show. Faced with $6000 of taxes, he starts his own GI quiz show on the local TV station. With a little help from Bilko, Doberman becomes a star contestant! 122- Bilko And The Medium Bilko tries to persuade the Ritziks to invest $500 in a pool hall, but they always consult Madame Zaboda before making any financial decisions. So Bilko arranges for them to meet his friend 'Madame Flossie'. Madame Zaboda is not impressed... 123- Bilko's Bopster When jazz drummer Skinny Sanders is assigned to the motor pool, Bilko plans a GI jazz band tour of Europe. Unfortunately, finding other skilled musicians proves to be a bit of a problem... 124- Bilko's Hollywood Romance The press agent of Hollywood star Monica Malamar decides that arranging a romance with a clean-cut GI will improve her image. But when the selected soldier turns out to be Sgt.Bilko, something drastic must be done to get rid of him! 125- Keep In Step A movie is to be made about Sgt. Bilko, and he is worried about who will portray him.(One hour special mentioned by Televison Chronicles and apparently broadcast live.) 126- Bilko's Grand Hotel When Bilko buys a run-down hotel in Grove City, he appoints a down-and-out called Chester Hilton as its manager. Naturally, Ernie renames it the Grove City Hilton. Just how much will the real Hilton Hotel chain be prepared to pay to have it closed down? 127- Bilko's Credit Card Bilko launches his own credit card for soldiers - The GIs' Gourmet Guild, signs up all the restaurants and clubs in Grove City, and then spreads some worrying rumours about Sgt. Ritzik's cooking. The scheme looks like it will be a real money maker- until the day that the first payments are due from cardholders... 128- Viva Bilko On a visit to Mexico, Bilko, Doberman, Paparelli and Zimmerman are robbed of their uniforms. The robbers then rob a bank dressed as GI's. When the soldiers finally recover their clothes they become the prime supects! 129- The Colonel's Promotion In hope of getting a promotion, Colonel Hall attempts to clean up Camp Fremont once and for all. But when the promotion fails to materialize, Bilko convices the Colonel to visit the Pentagon for a explanation. Mrs. Hall asks Bilko to go along to keep an eye on him - perhaps not such a wise idea... 130- Bilko's Sharpshooter Bilko plans to exploit the shooting skills of WAC Polly Porter. The first event he stages is a shooting contest against Sgt. Ritzik's own marksman, Pvt. Masters. The contest does not go quite according to plan when the two sharpshooters meet... 131- Bilko's Formula Seven When some applejack has to be hastily disposed of, it gets poured into the engine of a Jeep. Pvt. Jenkins, in the process of draining that Jeep's sump, gets covered in an oily goo which appears to work wonders for his wrinkled face. Bilko then tries to sell this 'miracle formula' to a major cosmetics company. 132- Bilko's Ape Man Bilko tries to launch the movie career of Pvt. Forbes, a former physical training instructor. After getting his man disqualified from the Mr Universe contest, Bilko decides to make a short promotional film of Forbes fighting a gorilla (or rather, Duane Doberman in a gorilla suit). Once again, things do not go completely to plan... 133- Warrant Officer Paparelli When a keen new Lieutenant is placed in charge of the motor pool, Bilko is keen to get him replaced by someone a bit more pliable. Perhaps one of his men could get promoted... 134- Bilko's Godson Bilko attempts to enroll his godson in the Stanford University class of '77, but only children of Stanford alumni can be enrolled so far in advance. So first he has to become a Stanford student himself - the entrance exam shouldn't be much of a problem, not with all of Sgt. Bilko's resources... 135- Guinea Pig Bilko Colonel Hall tricks Bilko into testing a new tranquilizer pill, which has the effect of removing his love of money! Unfortunately, gambling at Camp Fremont becomes worse than ever without Bilko controlling operations. In desperation, the Colonel attempts to return Bilko to normal.... 136- Bilko The Butler Jealous of a friend who married a rich socialite, Bilko takes a trip to San Francisco and tries to meet some millionaires. Managing to get into a cocktail party by posing as a waiter, Bilko suddenly overhears a hot stock-market tip... 137- Ritzik Goes Civilian Emma Ritzik persuades Rupert to leave the army to get away from Bilko's clutches. Shamed by his men over the way he has treated Ritzik, Bilko tries to persuade him to return .Tracking them down to the roadside diner they are now running, he discovers they have been cheated when buying the diner. 138- Bilko's Small Car Bilko is forced to assemble an 'imported sports car' from Jeep parts, to cover up for the police confiscating the Colonel's new European car. Interest in Bilko's exotic sports car is strong enough to lead him into full-scale production of the 'Arrivederci'... 139- Doberman, Missing Heir Bilko helps a millionaire couple trace their long-lost son - Duane Doberman. Doberman is not at all keen to share his newly found riches with the rest of the men. Bilko must quickly devise a plan to get his hands on his rightful share of the money... 140- Bilko's Casino An old document appears to exempt the site of the Grove City USO from Californian gambling laws. Having purchased the building, Bilko's new casino soon attracts some unwanted attention... 141- The Colonel's Second Honeymoon When the Colonel refuses Bilko's request for a furlough, he stirs up trouble in the Halls' marriage, with the hope that they will try to patch things up by taking a second honeymoon. Then, hopefully, Captain Baxter will look more favourably upon his request, and allow Ernie to take his well-earned break in Sun Valley. 142- Bilko In Outer Space Sgts. Grover and Ritzik win $600, and then have to go to desperate measures to avoid Bilko getting within gambling distance. Perhaps 3 days of isolation within an army space capsule will shake Bilko off their trail... 143- The Bilko Boycott Finally disillusioned with Bilko's gambling, Cpl. Henshaw sets up Gamblers Anonymous at Camp Fremont and lures virtually all of the men away from Bilko. In search of new sources of income, Bilko invents some phony schemes to part the WAC's from their money. 144- Weekend Colonel In order to be able to leave the base at weekends, Colonel Hall installs a network of closed- circuit TV cameras at Camp Fremont to ensure his peace of mind. Bilko appears to be finally beaten, until he discovers short-order chef Charlie Clusterman - who bears more than a passing resemblance to the Colonel...